15th July 2017

I have thought about writing so many times in the last few weeks. I’ll have to catch you up another time though, because I’ve got too much to say about right now. In brief, I had just over 5 months sober, and after our second cancelled IVF cycle in June (I failed to produce any eggs), I drank on the evening we celebrated our third wedding anniversary. I’ve drunk about 5 times since then.

I keep thinking about various quotes to help me turn everything around. To live a better way. One of which goes something like;

You can be messy, complicated and afraid. Show up anyway.

Well I tried this yesterday. I’ve had a couple of crazy-busy weeks, and I’m tired, which probably exacerbated my feelings of having made no progress whatsoever since last summer. I’ll explain: Last night was our department’s end of term night out, and it prompted me to cast my mind back to the same event last year. I remembered that a colleague was heavily pregnant at the time, which I found pretty hard to deal with. I remembered a conversation about baby names, and another colleague catching my eye and mouthing ‘are you OK’. At the time, I was waiting for surgery. We were stuck on our fertility journey, and I was powerless to move anything forward. It was merely a waiting game, beyond my control.

Fast forward to this summer, and I am in pretty much the same situation, waiting for surgery, for what could be months. This caused an unexpected fresh wave of emotion (I’d been doing fairly well recently), but I pushed through to go to my appointment at the beauty salon. Where I ended up bursting into tears whilst telling the beauty therapist all about it. She is lovely and knows where I am with fertility treatment. That must be the reason they call it beauty therapy; it almost is like therapy with a bit of waxing thrown in!

So I showed up anyway. I was messy, complicated and afraid, and it was OK. It actually helped. She asked if there was any way to avoid going out, but I explained that I actually did want to go because one of the teachers is leaving, and I wouldn’t want to miss his leaving do. And they are great people, I’m lucky to work with them. A few who left last year and even before still come out with us, too.

Off I went for my evening out, which I really enjoyed. Again, I was messy, complicated and afraid, and I showed up anyway. I drank soda water, and drove myself home at 11:30pm – stayed the entire evening. I was proud of myself.

Today, we had a wedding to go to. I made it as far as getting ready, and I was writing the card. I signed it with our two names, and happened to make a comment that I was fed up of signing cards with just our two names. I want to be able to write the names of our children too. But of course we’re not there yet. I was just venting to no one in particular but it caused an argument. He said I should stop going on and on about my feelings on the subject, but I wasn’t aware that I was doing that at all. I nearly didn’t get in the car, but we set off eventually. Mr W was making an attempt at apology after quite a lot of shouting on both our parts. But by the time we got to the venue, I just said, I can’t go in.

I was messy, complicated and afraid, and I couldn’t show up. Trying to get through my seventh sober day, with lots of other couples who all have children. These are people we know through my husbands part time job. Whilst we were fairly close with lots of them at one time, my sobriety and our infertility seems to have made it harder for me to relate to them. Plus my best ally amongst them all wasn’t able to go, so I was already feeling vulnerable. I was very shaky, and there was just no way I could go in. We stopped, he got out, and I drove home.

Which brings me to where I am now. With another couple of quotes that have been on my mind:

“Start from where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can”. – Arthur Ashe

And

“You can start out with nothing, and out of nothing, and no way, a way will be made” – Rev Michael Bernhard Beckwith

As I said, I am trying to turn this all around. To really work on my recovery, and to find a better way to approach all of these challenges. I’ve also been focusing on the idea that everything I want already exists – it’s just waiting there for me to attract it into my life. On one level, I am convinced this is the case.

I had a conversation with my acupuncturist the other day about life appearing to be more traumatic as soon as you make a conscious decision to change your way of thinking, or change your approach to some aspect of life. She says it’s as though we are moving through water, in a particular direction. If we decide to change course, the stopping and changing of direction will cause turbulence as the water is disturbed, and eddies around us. That makes a lot of sense to me. She said I should try not to pay too much attention to the turbulence, and continue with my new trajectory. Which isn’t the easiest thing to do when I come home alone, in my cute outfit and red nails, and I just want to fall to my knees and ask God what more does He fucking want from me??? (please excuse my language. I am somewhat near the end of my tether).

Where is my way? I know I’m not actually starting out with nothing; I have many resources available to me to create my life afresh and –somehow – re-energise myself (even though that makes me feel exhausted just thinking about it). How much more of this must I push through? How many more fails, how much more anxiety, how many more arguments with my husband, how much more thinking that ‘we’ by ourselves are inadequate as compared to couples with families.

There is a part of me that knows this is what God wants from me – to be grateful for all the blessings I do have. To know that I am in no way inadequate, and my life is abundant as it is now, and I do have everything I need.

But this is where I am; in between two states of mind. In between two potential futures. Feeling adrift in some weird parallel time zone that opened up when I decided not to go into that hotel to the wedding today. Kind of alone. So I hope you don’t mind I wrote to you.

Back to the drawing board

You know, I really did think it might have worked this time; that we might have got some eggs. I went for the scan on day 9 or so and there were 4 follicles I think, nothing over 10mm. Game over.

We spoke to a nurse after the scan who told us the bad news. She was awful. Really hard faced and unsympathetic. She wouldn’t even tell me how many follicles there had been, saying ‘it doesn’t matter, none of them are big enough’, batting me away. We’re paying for this, she should have bloody well answered my question. But you know what it’s like, I was just thinking, ‘get me out of this room, now!’.

Later that day, when I was back in work, they called me to offer us an appointment with the doctor the next day – there had been a cancellation. So we accepted, and prepared ourselves to be told that the next step is donor egg IVF. Which I’m not sure would be right for us. So I was kind of mentally preparing for this all to be over.

But….the doctor said it isn’t over yet. We still haven’t ‘used up’ our payment for two cycles. We can still try ‘mild IVF’ to try to get an egg or two of mine. So we decided to go for that. However we can’t go ahead until I’ve had a fibroid removed. It’s in the cavity of the uterus, and relatively big, so it does need to be removed. It was caused by the hormones, we think. So, more waiting.

I was relieved in a way, not to have to go through another round of what would likely be unsuccessful stimulation with the maximum dose of hormones. I also have three endometriomas, which I think would probably only get worse with more drugs. Having a break is probably a good thing, and I was even starting to feel a bit brighter about everything. But last night I realised it’s not so easy to just be OK with everything. I mean, we’ve cancelled two cycles now. It’s disappointing, to say the least.

I’m trying to decipher whether this turn of events is a sign that we shouldn’t continue, or whether it means we need to dig deeper and carry on. It’s so hard to know. Either way, I need to be careful of pressing on regardless, and not letting myself just feel the disappointment, the anger, the frustration. It all caught up with me last night and I was unprepared for it. So I’m back to reminding myself that I’m only human, that I’m allowed – and need – to feel all the feelings, I need to look after myself, and I’m not a failure.

These emotions can’t be worked through as quickly as I perhaps thought. And it’s a strange limbo land where I seem to live at the moment, with a foot in (at least) two realities, if that makes sense? I’m doing OK, but I’m also achingly sad that my future may not include me being a mother, and I also see great beauty in my life. I know we can’t know what the future holds, but I wouldn’t mind some sort of clue, a little hint maybe, because uncertainty is so hard.

That was a long break, but I’m back…

Hi. I’m sorry I’ve not been around for a while. I haven’t even been following, I’m afraid. I’m sorry. I hope it’s all going in the right direction for everyone out there.

I didn’t write for so long because I needed to go inside and just think, if that makes sense? At the start of 2017 I decided I had to delve deeper into why I struggle to feel happy. What is it that’s going on for me, really, deep down? I mean, I know there are the fertility struggles, and this is a big part of why I find life hard. But I’ve been trying to view my life as a whole, and dig down into what is preventing me from being content.

I’ve learned a lot, and I’ve also forgotten a lot. Self-exploration is intense, and I’ve found that not all of the insights make it through everyday life! I’m trying to go easy on myself though. I’ll try to cover more of what I’ve learned in future posts.

A theme for me at the moment is remembering I’m only human, and feelings and emotions are only natural, especially for people in our position (ours as in yours and mine – my husband definitely does not experience the same emotions as I do!)

Our first cycle was cancelled because I only had one follicle that was almost big enough. The doctor was giving us the option to cancel and not lose any of the payment we’d made for the cycle; just the drugs we had already used. We felt it was a big risk to continue. Of course I immediately wanted to try again, but I was put on the pill for a month to ‘calm things down’. Then we found the timing wasn’t great for the next month as we had a holiday booked to Rome. Which was amazing, I will write about it!! So here we are again,  I’m stimulating at the moment. Just dropped my dose of Gonal F today to 300iu. [What are iu? I wish everyone could just stick to the same units of measurement for heaven’s sake – like microlitres or mils or whatever].

So as you can imagine, I’m somewhat all over the place! MUCH more emotional than last time. What I feel is good, though, is that I’m expressing my emotions more. My husband and I have been arguing. He’s been doing a chest-and-shoulders transformation at the gym – he had a photo shoot today, spray tan and everything. I feel he doesn’t care as much as me. He was even on a high earlier, whilst I was pleading for support and understanding. What I do know is, I will never be able to change the way he responds to me, or the way he experiences this IVF journey with me. But I’m happy that I’m able to express how I feel – all jacked up on Gonal F and Buserelin! – have a good rant, and then its over, gone, the tension is dissipated. (Until the next time!!)

I’ve probably got a lot more to say but basically I’m in a place where I feel there is a lot more to me than I realised. And I’m so glad I’m making the effort to figure it all out. I try to remind myself often that I have worth – self-worth. Whether or not I become a mother. I am worth treating well, kindly, and respectfully throughout this experience – throughout life, even – and I’m trying to do that in my own, human way.

To each and every human reading this, please remember you are unique and valuable, and you deserve the very best, whatever may be going on for you right now.

Love and sparkly thoughts xx

Good results!

It’s a week since we went to the fertility clinic to meet with the consultant. We had very promising news! The hormones tested for were AMH, LH and FSH, and my AMH level had actually improved! It’s still below what it should be for my age – I’m 37 so it should really be above 5.5. But considering it was 1.4 in April, I was very encouraged to learn that it had actually gone up to 4! So my theory was probably right; although everyone was telling me  prostap (Lupron) injection treatment for endometriosis would not affect my AMH level, it seems it did. What’s more, the consultant even said it may be slightly low currently due to the fact that I had a laproscopy  recently to remove the tubes, two ovarian cysts and scar tissue.

The other two hormones were low, which is as it should be. So the indications are that I will respond well to treatment. However, I had a low follicle count – there were only seven at my ultrasound in April. Low numbers indeed, for a numbers game. But Dr R said that I could try a cycle or two with my own eggs. It is worth a shot. No one knows what will happen, so I’m going to go for it.

But. Two things. I’ve been reading that LH and FSH aren’t the whole picture. These hormone levels can be affected by high oestradiol. So they may look as if everything is fine, when actually, the only reason they are low is due to an excess of oestradiaol, not due to normal functioning of the ovaries. And oestradiol wasn’t tested for.

The other ‘but’ relates to my upcoming appointment with the consultant at the NHS hospital. Regarding the outcome of my operation. I’m now worried that he will say ‘Oh no, you haven’t got a chance with your own eggs, those ovaries are plastered to your uterus!’. [‘plastered’ is a word that the operating surgeon seemed fond of, in describing the state of my lower abdominal cavity. Thanks.]

But we can only wait and see. Like a work colleague said to me the other day, everyone will give me their opinion, but at the end of the day, it’s my decision what treatment we decide to do. (along with Mr W, obviously). On that note, we have booked Mr in for his sperm retrieval procedure on 10th January. Striking whilst the iron is hot, as it were.

I’m soooo glad I have the appointment on Tuesday, as it will enable me to  leave work early on the last day, when my colleague on maternity leave is coming in with her baby. That will be a close one. I plan to leave before she arrives. I just cannot cope with sitting with her and the baby and the rest of the department, listening to three people’s leaving speeches. I have trouble enough as it is – I sometimes feel ‘trapped’ in the room where they do the speeches, the chairs and tables are those awful fixed, canteen style ones, all squished in together with no room in between. And it feels like everyone can see you. Ugh, agoraphobia, anyone?

Anyway, I am rambling now….I’m hoping for good things. It feels great to finally find out something a bit more positive, and to know that we could get started with our first cycle in the new year. 🙂

 

 

October 2016

I had a tough day today. The pressure of waiting for surgery is getting to me. I got myself together again and then I had a phone call this morning from my husband to say that one of our friends has taken an overdose. We haven’t heard anything since and don’t know how she is.

I’ve been thinking about how awful it is to be in so much pain. I know a bit about depression and it’s thought patterns, how hopeless life can feel, how worthless a person can feel. It’s bad enough feeling that way yourself, but to think that someone else has been going through that, is heartbreaking. I wish I could take her pain away.

I understand that life does involve pain, but again I’m struck by the feeling I had when I’d finished reading the book, Never Let Me Go, which was that I feel I’ve wasted some time, but more importantly, I shouldn’t waste any more. Life is so precious, so fragile, and so finite, that every second counts.

I don’t really know how all this fits together, or what to do with it. I desperately want our friend to be alright. And I don’t want anyone to be in pain. Somehow, I am angry. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, it’s not fair. Why do people I care about (and I) have to go through all of this stuff. I’m sick of the pretense kept up by a lot of the rest of the world that everything in their lives is perfect. Life isn’t perfect, it’s full of ups and downs, and sometimes people need help through the downs. But they’re afraid to ask because they feel others might judge them for being a failure….

I’m sorry, I’m not very coherent, I know. I want to help someone but I’m not sure how. I want there to be less pain. I don’t know what else to say.

June 2016

The dark clouds are clearing a bit. I feel emotional in general, rather than just depressed. I got out of the car at work this morning and a colleague asked if I was OK. I couldn’t speak and she hugged me whilst I cried a little bit. But I got it together again.

Later, I was distracted by my little campaign to be put on the correct pay grade for my job role. Or should I say, get my job title amended to reflect the nature of the work I do. Perhaps my husband was right, I need to think about other things. Darn it, I hate it when he’s more sensible than I am!

But back to yesterday…I got all worked up in the morning because of the unanswered questions I have about what needs to happen before IVF treatment. I had emailed the fertility clinic with the details for the consultant at hospital, but heard nothing back (it had only been two days). I had a pain by my hip, exactly where the whole thing started off, last November, with the diagnosis of ovarian cysts (endometriomas). I have waves of anxiety when I get these pains, as I think the cysts are developing once again. The panic became too much, and luckily N and I were the only two people in the prep room, so I got my phone out and made an appointment to see the GP. I picked one of the lovely ones, a woman, so inevitably I have to wait a couple of weeks. But I decided I would rather see someone who I know will respond to me, not bat away my concerns. I’m hoping I might be able to get a referral to hospital, as I would like the fibroid removed. After making the appointment, I had one of my moments where everything comes tumbling out and N, patient and considerate person that she is, listens until I’ve finished. I felt so much better.

This morning (after making my mascara run before even setting foot in the building!) I looked at my phone and there was an email with an attachment from the fertility clinic. The attachment was the letter they have faxed to the consultant regarding what to do about that fibroid. I purposely didn’t read it until later when I’d got home. When I read it, the straightforward, businesslike tone instantly calmed me. Just one doctor to another, asking for a professional opinion. No nonsense. I still feel a lot calmer, but I do just wonder, even if the feeling is to leave it be, should I ask for it to be removed anyway? It may help alleviate the anaemia and the pain every month. Quality of life. A phrase that someone told me you should always use in the GPs office – apparently it’s one of those trigger phrases that necessitate action.

Another thing that has (oddly) kept me feeling a bit lighter…I have black hands where I accidentally stained them with silver nitrate (oops). Every time I look at my hands they’re all…well, black. I wonder how long it will last…Did I mention I want my job title re-evaluated to ‘senior’ technician?! Note to self, always wear gloves around silver nitrate – even when not opening the bottles – they may be leaking!

Struggling

It’s not going great. I feel pretty low. And husband and I argued this morning. You know, sometimes I don’t know how long we will last… I feel like he made me wait so long for everything, just so he could be sure that it was all going to work out. And now I’m still waiting. Waiting for more surgery, waiting for September to have the Day 3 blood tests taken, just so they can check again my AMH level etc. Waiting to find out whether the fibroid should be removed. Waiting, waiting, waiting.

I know I shouldn’t allow my life to pass me by whilst I’m waiting. And I am trying to do the things I need to do to keep things moving. But because husband and I have argued, there will be no work on the loft bedroom today. And no work on the patio in the back garden. He is just lying on the sofa watching television. To spite me. He’s showing me what it looks like when he does nothing. (I accused him of not helping round the house).

What should my life look like? And what should it look like whilst I am waiting? I always, always, always feel like I am lacking. I come up short, I fail. There is something missing from me, that is preventing me from having the life I want. Although I’m not even sure what that actually is….Yes I want to have a little family unit. But I’m not even allowed a dog for fuck’s sake, because I work full time. What I want my life to be like is so far from how it is. I think one day I might just give up.

Consultation at the fertility clinic

We went for a consultation at the private fertility clinic on Wednesday. It feels like weeks ago now.
The doctor we spoke to was lovely. But the results of my tests weren’t good. My AMH was 1.4, falling short of the 5.5 minimum expected of a woman my age. The scan showed 7 follicles, which is something at least. Although ideally I think they like to see 10. The really worrying thing for me was, that the fibroid, which isn’t particularly huge (about 2 – 3 cm), is causing a marked indentation into the uterus cavity. And the doctor was concerned that it may be interfering with the surface of the endometrium, which would be very bad. I did ask whether, if that was in fact the case, anything could be done to rectify it. But I can’t remember what she said. I will be emailing her with all the paperwork I have received so far from the nhs hospital where I’ve had my other procedures, so I’m going to ask the question again.

I’m strangely optimistic about the AMH level. I am convinced the only reason it is low is due to the effects of the Prostap hormone treatment I had for two months, which is still affecting my cycle. I am quite sure that AMH will return to normal after 3 or 4 cycles (when they choose to start up again, that is!!). In September, I’ll go for the day 3 blood tests, and hopefully that will show normal levels of AMH, FSH and LH.

The doctor was questioning the reasons for me having the fallopian tubes removed, as they didn’t pick up on any fluid in the tubes on the ultrasound can. Hence my sending all correspondence from the hospital to her (I couldn’t get an appointment with the nhs consultant, they were having trouble ‘fitting people in’) so she can cast her medically trained eye over it. I’ve worked out what most of it means but there’s some stuff I’m not sure on.

So more waiting. I’m afraid to hope, really, is the long and the short of it. And feeling negative and/or trying to push everything to the back of my mind is very draining, day in, day out.

Tests

I had an ultrasound scan and blood test on Friday.  The ultrasound showed that the fibroid is bigger than we thought. Or should I say, bigger than it was. We don’t know the blood test results yet, but have a consultation booked for next week. I think they’ll probably recommend having the fibroid removed. Great. More surgery. I need to get back in touch with the nhs consultant for that. In an ideal world it would be done at the same time as the tube removal but I don’t know if it’s even that type of fibroid. So, more waiting until we know what’s what. I’m nervous about the AMH results too….

May Continued

Well, two tests, anyway. We’ve put the brakes on Husbands sperm retrieval procedure for the time being. He got a phonecall today from the surgeons assistant who seemed very keen to book him in for the 3rd. Nice to know they can accommodate us so quickly – Mr H felt that the surgeon is busy sharpening his scalpel blades in readiness!

BUT we’ve decided (even though I’d like to bury my head in the sand and carry on with sperm retrieval, regardless) that I should have both the AMH test and Ultrasound before we continue any further. Before we part with £2000+ for Mr W’s procedure. Which, of course, is common sense.

I’ve booked my appointment for Friday, 12 noon. I texted Mr, and didn’t hear very much from him, but when I got home he said he’d cancelled all his work so that he can take me 🙂 Which is lovely. I’m glad he can come with me because I’m anxious…I feel strangely vulnerable. I hate the rushing back and forth from work, and I’m not overly enthused about the ultrasound wand, or having blood taken. But I can handle those aspects. It’s the results I’m worried about. If it’s bad news, this could actually put a stop to all hopes of us having a baby H. I’ll keep you posted…