You know, I really did think it might have worked this time; that we might have got some eggs. I went for the scan on day 9 or so and there were 4 follicles I think, nothing over 10mm. Game over.
We spoke to a nurse after the scan who told us the bad news. She was awful. Really hard faced and unsympathetic. She wouldn’t even tell me how many follicles there had been, saying ‘it doesn’t matter, none of them are big enough’, batting me away. We’re paying for this, she should have bloody well answered my question. But you know what it’s like, I was just thinking, ‘get me out of this room, now!’.
Later that day, when I was back in work, they called me to offer us an appointment with the doctor the next day – there had been a cancellation. So we accepted, and prepared ourselves to be told that the next step is donor egg IVF. Which I’m not sure would be right for us. So I was kind of mentally preparing for this all to be over.
But….the doctor said it isn’t over yet. We still haven’t ‘used up’ our payment for two cycles. We can still try ‘mild IVF’ to try to get an egg or two of mine. So we decided to go for that. However we can’t go ahead until I’ve had a fibroid removed. It’s in the cavity of the uterus, and relatively big, so it does need to be removed. It was caused by the hormones, we think. So, more waiting.
I was relieved in a way, not to have to go through another round of what would likely be unsuccessful stimulation with the maximum dose of hormones. I also have three endometriomas, which I think would probably only get worse with more drugs. Having a break is probably a good thing, and I was even starting to feel a bit brighter about everything. But last night I realised it’s not so easy to just be OK with everything. I mean, we’ve cancelled two cycles now. It’s disappointing, to say the least.
I’m trying to decipher whether this turn of events is a sign that we shouldn’t continue, or whether it means we need to dig deeper and carry on. It’s so hard to know. Either way, I need to be careful of pressing on regardless, and not letting myself just feel the disappointment, the anger, the frustration. It all caught up with me last night and I was unprepared for it. So I’m back to reminding myself that I’m only human, that I’m allowed – and need – to feel all the feelings, I need to look after myself, and I’m not a failure.
These emotions can’t be worked through as quickly as I perhaps thought. And it’s a strange limbo land where I seem to live at the moment, with a foot in (at least) two realities, if that makes sense? I’m doing OK, but I’m also achingly sad that my future may not include me being a mother, and I also see great beauty in my life. I know we can’t know what the future holds, but I wouldn’t mind some sort of clue, a little hint maybe, because uncertainty is so hard.