Hi. I’m sorry I’ve not been around for a while. I haven’t even been following, I’m afraid. I’m sorry. I hope it’s all going in the right direction for everyone out there.
I didn’t write for so long because I needed to go inside and just think, if that makes sense? At the start of 2017 I decided I had to delve deeper into why I struggle to feel happy. What is it that’s going on for me, really, deep down? I mean, I know there are the fertility struggles, and this is a big part of why I find life hard. But I’ve been trying to view my life as a whole, and dig down into what is preventing me from being content.
I’ve learned a lot, and I’ve also forgotten a lot. Self-exploration is intense, and I’ve found that not all of the insights make it through everyday life! I’m trying to go easy on myself though. I’ll try to cover more of what I’ve learned in future posts.
A theme for me at the moment is remembering I’m only human, and feelings and emotions are only natural, especially for people in our position (ours as in yours and mine – my husband definitely does not experience the same emotions as I do!)
Our first cycle was cancelled because I only had one follicle that was almost big enough. The doctor was giving us the option to cancel and not lose any of the payment we’d made for the cycle; just the drugs we had already used. We felt it was a big risk to continue. Of course I immediately wanted to try again, but I was put on the pill for a month to ‘calm things down’. Then we found the timing wasn’t great for the next month as we had a holiday booked to Rome. Which was amazing, I will write about it!! So here we are again, I’m stimulating at the moment. Just dropped my dose of Gonal F today to 300iu. [What are iu? I wish everyone could just stick to the same units of measurement for heaven’s sake – like microlitres or mils or whatever].
So as you can imagine, I’m somewhat all over the place! MUCH more emotional than last time. What I feel is good, though, is that I’m expressing my emotions more. My husband and I have been arguing. He’s been doing a chest-and-shoulders transformation at the gym – he had a photo shoot today, spray tan and everything. I feel he doesn’t care as much as me. He was even on a high earlier, whilst I was pleading for support and understanding. What I do know is, I will never be able to change the way he responds to me, or the way he experiences this IVF journey with me. But I’m happy that I’m able to express how I feel – all jacked up on Gonal F and Buserelin! – have a good rant, and then its over, gone, the tension is dissipated. (Until the next time!!)
I’ve probably got a lot more to say but basically I’m in a place where I feel there is a lot more to me than I realised. And I’m so glad I’m making the effort to figure it all out. I try to remind myself often that I have worth – self-worth. Whether or not I become a mother. I am worth treating well, kindly, and respectfully throughout this experience – throughout life, even – and I’m trying to do that in my own, human way.
To each and every human reading this, please remember you are unique and valuable, and you deserve the very best, whatever may be going on for you right now.
Love and sparkly thoughts xx